Stuck in the Car: What My Own Transition Taught Me About Back-To-School Anxiety

As the summer winds up and we start to prepare for a return to school routines and busy schedules, I wanted to take a minute and talk about the anxiety that comes with the new school year, and offer a few tips to make the transition a bit easier.

Personally, I love the fall. September feels like new beginnings and smells like cinnamon toast. Our schedules over the summer have often been more relaxed, a break from regimented activities like soccer and baseball, and a shift towards connecting with family and enjoying the warmer weather. Those relaxed schedules can also bring about a loss of rhythm, emotional outbursts and dysregulation, and a sense that time needs to be occupied with fun events or it might be wasted. Many of us are looking forward to more structure, and have some great ideas about how to make this school year better than the last (school lunches planning anyone?).

However, the last week or two leading up to school can bring out all the emotions, for both our children and us.

Transitions can be tricky. Until I was a parent, and actually, had been a parent for many years, I had never noticed my own struggles with transitions. One day I was sitting in the car listening to a song in the driveway of my house. I didn’t want to leave. This wasn’t the first time it happened, but in that particular moment I noticed that it was more than wanting to wait until the end of the song. I had tuned in to my body and I felt no motivation whatsoever to move. My body felt heavy and rooted to the seat. There was no energy in my arms, and yet I felt calm and present rather than dissociated. My chest felt solid and slightly warm, with no impulse to change. I would describe my emotional state as centred, grounded, and content.

I wanted to see my family, but I also wanted to stay in the car.

The energy required for me to shift, to open the car door, gather my bag and water bottle, move my feet to the ground and lift my body into a standing position seemed overwhelming. For a few moments I just couldn’t make myself do it. I didn’t have it in me to make the transition. I didn’t feel stuck, I just felt immovable.

I did leave of course. I gathered my things and left the car, walked up the few steps to the front door and walked into my warm, welcoming home. My husband was cooking supper and my sweet dogs greeted me at the front door with a sense of curiosity, wondering why it took me so long to get inside.

That was when I realized that I sometimes struggle with transitions, and from there I noticed all sorts of other transitional moments where I delayed or needed an extra emotional energy boost to successfully make the shift.

That same energy sometimes grips me with larger transitions, like going back to school, and many of our kids experience the same thing.

Heading back to school is full of unknowns. There are so many questions! Will I get the teacher I like? Is there a new teacher this year? Will my friends be in my class? Will our desks be in rows or groups? Will there even be desks? What sports will I play? Do I have to take swimming lessons? What if I don’t like my teacher?

These are just some of the questions our children may voice to us. There are so many more that are lingering in their minds, like will they be accepted, will they have friends, or, will they be smart enough. Sometimes these questions are never voiced because children have not yet found the words, instead feeling them in their bodies in the form of upset tummies or headaches. Sometimes they get moved into behaviour and our children start yelling more or becoming more angry. Sometimes they are pushed down, and our children get quiet, disengaged, and worried.

All of these figure in to the back to school transition. This is alongside the more parent-managed pieces like bringing back the bedtime routine, the morning routine, packing lunches, getting everyone ready on time, coordinating gymnastics and baseball, and making sure everyone has a ride to their activities.

Our stress level goes up, as does theirs, and that nervous system activation is reflected in our lack of presence and connection. When we are stressed we spend more time in our heads and less time in our bodies, which makes connection more difficult, which then gives everyone more stress.

How To Ease the Back-To-School Anxiety

1. Build regulation activities into your day. Go for a walk, listen to music, meditate. Regulate yourself first, so you can be the co-regulator your children need. Pro tip: do things that also regulate your kids (dance party anyone?)

2. Front load the kids. Let them know what activities are scheduled, the day and time, consider a family calendar. Take a walk or drive to the school and hang out at the playground. Remind them about the things they like about school.

3. If possible, schedule a walkthrough before the first week of school. Often some of the staff is there during the last week of summer, and a quick walk through and visit to the classroom can help kids know what to expect that first day.

4. Let each child pick out one special “back to school” transition object. This can be some special school supply, a small plushie, something they can easily take to school with them. Research confirms that transition objects provide comfort and emotional stability during difficult changes (Ko et al., 2024; Triebenbacher & Tegano, 1993).

5. Return to regular routines a week or two before school actually starts. Start with a regular bed time, or at least moving towards it. If they have been going to bed when you do, start slowly backing the time toward their school year bed time. If they have been sleeping in, start waking them up a bit earlier each day so they are ready to wake up for the school mornings routine. Or, have them set an alarm so they can take some responsibility around getting ready in the mornings.

6. Have a plan for the first week or so of lunches. I don’t know about you, but for me school lunches are one routine I hate doing. Having some easy items to throw together for that first week can really help make each day run more smoothly.

7. Accept the dysregulation. Know it will be hard, know emotions will be high, ride the waves. I know I find it easier when I can anticipate the struggle rather than suddenly experiencing it. On good days, I can remind myself in the moment that I knew this might be hard, and I can either change my attitude and let it affect me less, or I can fight it and let it disrupt my entire day or week. Sometimes I can even take a moment for a deep breath, relax my shoulders, and try out a smile to see if my mood shifts. Not every day will be like this!

I got out of the car. Even though it felt impossible in the moment, even with no energy in my limbs, I left my safe vehicle cocoon and entered my house, and greeted my waiting family. I left those emotions behind me and embraced the daily rhythms of my life, and I gained new insight. I learned that resistance sometimes needs to be acknowledged, that some days transitioning time needs to be built into my schedule.

I got to really feel what happens for so many of us during a seemingly routine transition.

Our kids will make it through, they will get out of the car, though sometimes they might need more time, more co-regulation, more grace. After the initial transition back to school most days will fall into place and your family will find that rhythm too. Hang on, you will get through it!

References and Research:

Ko, C. H., Liang, Y. T., Liao, Y. C., & Chen, H. F. (2024). Exploring the Relationship Between Transitional Object Attachment and Emotion Regulation in College Students. Healthcare (Basel, Switzerland), 13(1), 39. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare13010039

Triebenbacher, S. L., & Tegano, D. W. (1993). Children’s use of transitional objects during daily separations from significant caregivers. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 76(1), 89–90. https://doi.org/10.2466/pms.1993.76.1.89